9 Ways to Keep "Stale" Out of Your Marriage: Get That Spark Back

As I began to answer this question, I wondered how to best approach this subject. Then God spoke to me He said, “Look, it’s quite simple. Esteem others before yourself. It is better to give than to receive,” reminding me of the definition of love. We need to understand first what true unconditional love is. Love is patient, love is kind, and it is not jealous. Love does not brag, is not arrogant, and does not act unbecoming. It does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, it does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Why are these things significant? That is a very important question. In our very nature (in our flesh) we have a tendency to think about what we want while overlooking those around us, giving no thought to what they may want. Many people, especially women, view Valentine’s Day as their day. They place the onus on their spouse to put forth the effort necessary to make this a romantic day. Of course, if the spouse gets a little something out of it, a roll in the hay, then so be it. As Christians and individuals we should always esteem others before themselves. Ladies, I would submit that your first efforts to esteem, after God of course, are towards your husband. Only you can answer this question. Do you esteem your husband? Does your husband feel like the most important person in your life, when in your presence? Do you value him? Do you remind him on a daily basis how handsome he is? How blessed you are to have him as a husband, a friend, and if children, what a great father he is? Someone right now is saying, “she must be crazy, my husband is none of those things.” That may be the case, the question goes to you - do you speak death or life into your household.

So how do you put the flame back into your marriage? Esteem your husband! Give thought to his hopes, fears and desires and feed them with love, patience, kindness and encouragement. Deal with his inner man and meet the needs he secretly craves. Remind yourself as to what attracted you to your husband before you married him. What did you do to please him that you may no longer be doing? That is where you begin to re-ignite the flame that means so much to you. We may age and our desires may temper but that does not negate our responsibility to pay close attention to our husbands and continue to look for ways to keep our marriage exciting.

Now that we have dealt with your husband’s inner heart, let’s deal with his external part, his natural animal instinct. Men have a sexual drive. To discount that would be remiss and absolutely ludicrous on our part. Sex and those things that stimulate the sexual senses are a reality in the union designed by God. If God says it’s a good thing, who are we to disagree? I will not be presumptuous to assume that all men would appreciate their wives taking a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase lingerie with him in mind, but I don’t think anyone would be disappointed. Believe it or not, this is one way of esteeming your husband. What turns your husband on? Make today the beginning of lighting that flame. However, don’t stop there. Continue to seek those things that please your husband every day of the year.

Besides Victoria Secret, here are some things you can do to re-ignite the flame in your marriage. Of course this list is not exhaustive. You must add to it on a regular basis always seeking your husband’s pleasure.

1. Rent a movie he enjoys and sit through it with enthusiasm.

2. Prepare his favorite meal and serve it to him in a romantic atmosphere he would appreciate.

3. Send flowers to him on his job with an extremely intimate promise of the night’s events.

4. Put a note in his brief case, lunch box, or wherever he is sure to find it letting him know how much you love him and how happy you are that he is your husband and your friend.

5. Make arrangements for your children to be someplace else. It is important for you and your husband to spend quality time away from your children. Though your children are an extension of you, they are not the replacement of your relationship as husband and wife.

6. Make reservations at a hotel. Go someplace different. Make this an adventure. Chose the hotel, send your husband an invitation to meet you there and include the hotel room key.

7. Draw him a bath (at home or at the hotel). Provide his favorite beverage and some fruit. Of course ladies scrub his back for him.

8. Give him a long, lengthy sensuous massage. Get some wonderful smelling oils.

9. Get your hair, nails and feet done. Look absolutely beautiful for him. Get that makeover you have been threatening to get. Surprise him.

Ladies you must trust the process. If you esteem your husband, your husband will esteem you. Don’t get impatient, don’t keep count of what you do for him, simply allow the love you have for your husband to be the reason. Don’t look for him to do the same for you in the same manner; allow your husband to find his way to you. Remember love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek its own, and love does not keep count of anything. Love hopes, believes and endures all things.

Five Character Traits to Look for When You Are Ready to Start Back Dating

This really isn’t a question asked by many, but it is definitely a question that should be asked, meditated on, and intently explored. I am going to start with the most appropriate  response, you are ready to date when you are not willing to settle for less than the best God has for you. For some this may seem a very broad answer and yet it’s actually a very narrow answer. The question is do we know what the best is that God has for us? Before we journey down what the best is let’s first make it plain up front the worst time to consider dating:

You should never consider dating when you’re on a rebound. The person who gets dumped is usually the one who has the most difficult time dealing with the break up. A focus takes place where the one left behind begins wondering what they did that made the other person leave them. They start wondering whether or not they’re attractive enough, loveable enough, intelligent enough, passionate enough, pliable, the list can go on, bottom line you are trying to figure out how to make yourself more desirable for the next person. Your confidence is low and you need a self-esteem boost, you need a quick pick me up, no pun intended, so you’re apt to be less selective. This is the absolute worst thing you can do. It’s enough you’re already dealing with the loss of one relationship only to find yourself jumping out of the frying pan then subsequently landing into the proverbial skillet, no better off than before, sometimes worse off than before. Let me say ensure that you are healed from the last encounter and completely come to grips with the valuable person you are!!

Let’s explore the principles of dating. Dating is generally the observation stage. It is a time to observe the individuals you are spending time with. You are observing how they treat you, their friends, their children, if applicable, their co-workers, their family, and their finances. You’re having conversations about things important to you and gleaning information about things important to them. You are observing their lifestyle; if they say they’re Christian their life should reflect it by action and not simply by word. This is not, I repeat not the exclusive relationship, this is simply what I said, the observation stage. I know it can seem controversial by stating not exclusive, too many times as women we latch on to one man, go exclusive, getting to know him and before we know it we’ve seen months, even years of our lives wasted on a relationship that had no teeth from the beginning. This does not mean that you have a slew of men or women in your life you simple don’t count out any potentially suitable mate during the observation, dating period. Sex does not enter the equation!! Let me digress: When sex enters the equation that rational part of brain that was able to see clearly and make sound judgments goes right out the door. We have a tendency to become death, dumb, and blind. We have a tendency to refuse to accept the flaws staring right in front of us. We become the fix it queen or king. Surely we can mold what’s lacking. We can dress him or her, clean them up, teach them how to walk, talk, eat, the list goes on. Sex is the great destroyer to sound thinking. Let me also say this, are you listening? Good because this is a very crucial and important point – God is not trying to stop you from having great sex. He knows we are sexual and relational beings. He has set boundaries to protect us. God knows that once sex has been introduced into a relationship all hell breaks loose in the atmosphere and in the rational mind of primarily the female. He understands its dangers and the destruction sex brings into the lives of all parties, that is, sex, outside of marriage. If you are not willing to make the ultimate commitment, marriage, how dare we play at marriage, wanting all that comes with the marriage covenant; sex, money, children, a future. The old adage why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, is still alive and well.

Back on point once you’ve observed you and your potential future mate will collectively agree that you want to be exclusive. Once that commitment is made you will have entered into the courting stage. Here you get the opportunity to probe deeper into what you learned during the observation/dating stage. You truly should get the opportunity to ensure that you both are evenly yoked. Evenly yoked is not limited to your faith. You should be as evenly yoked in all important areas such as finance, child rearing, health, family, friendships, careers, short and long term goals. So many times we get involved with someone and generally it’s all about the external persona of a person and we fail to dig through the layers of the people we think we want to get involved with. You want to see how this person handles anger, disappointments, and difficulties. This is important because if he or she is a hot head you know you’re travelling down a slippery slope of potential violence and unhealthy reactions that can not only harm you but also your children if not now in the future. Is their behavior healthy or unhealthy? Jealousy, controlling, irrational, manipulative, domineering?

So now we’ve identified the dating and the courting stages let’s take a magnifying glass and probe deeper into the character. If it is true that we are only ready to date when we’re not willing to accept anything less than the best that God has, then what exactly is the best?

Five Character traits to look for:

1. Must have a demonstrated, active relationship with Christ.

2. Must have a servant’s heart. Here you will see if the individual will lay down their rights and consider your wants and desires some of the time. (Can’t be greedy and want someone who will lay down their rights all the time, that’s effectively a doormat.)

3. Knows the word of God, if a man, can he lead you and the family in devotion, and provide spiritual leadership in your relationship. If a woman does she know the word and understand how to be that example to your children, if applicable, and possess an inner spirit that is absolutely irresistible.

4. Must be a provider, if a male. He is committed to by whatever means necessary (legally) to ensure that his family has adequate provisions? Now don’t get this wrong I am not insinuating that he should be paying your way while courting, you want to observe how he pays his bills, handles his finances, accepts the responsibilities of meeting all his household needs. If he has children from previous relationships does he provide for the children financially and emotionally? If a woman she must possess traits of restraint where finances are concerned. She should be equipped and prepared to ensure that the money that enters the home is spread around to pay all bills. She should be frugal steadily looking for ways to cut back and save for rainy days.  How does she ensure that she meets her finances adequately?

5. Must accept and love you for who you are; no changes. This is not to say that there isn’t room for growth, it just shouldn’t be the condition for a future together. Neither should be trying to change, redefine, mold, or reprogram another to create the other into what you believe the ideal mate is. You must be prepared to stay the course, meaning if marriage comes about, then you marry this person with the realization that nothing may change and the question must be asked can you honestly live with this person just the way they are for the rest of your natural life, because that’s what marriage is until death do you part!

Now clearly you may have some things you want to add to your list sense of humor, athletic, etc. Just ensure that the basics are in place, the five above. The five will last you through your natural life the other traits added may subside with age.

So once again when are you ready to date? You got it—when you are not willing to settle for less than the very best that God has for you!!

The Desperate Woman and How Not to Be Her

So many women find themselves in desolate places. Sometimes the places are so dark they can’t see their way out. So desolate that, unthinkable things are contemplated or take place. Things such as suicide, drugs, excessive drinking, self-hatred, self-mutilation, eating disorders, violence, incarceration, depression and other mental illnesses. The interesting thing about the reason for most of these conditions is generally tied to a man. It is a sad thing to find that so many women place their value on whether or not they have a man. So today it is my goal to help free every woman who feels a man completes her, makes her, confirms her, validates her, and justifies her existence.

Let me state up front there is nothing wrong with desiring a man in your life. Where the challenge to health comes is when you feel incomplete without one, when you feel that life only has value as long as a man is prominent in your life. In this desolate state women resort to all types of men, buying into that old adage – a piece of man is better than no man.
 

Let’s look at what women are resorting too:

·         Incarcerated men
·         Bi-sexual men
·         Married men
·         Unavailable men – (these men are not available but no married. These men usually have several women in their lives and are not willing to commit. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as the women isn’t vying for an exclusive relationship.)
·         Immature men
·         Abusive men
·         Lazy men/uncaring about providing
·         Un-churched or churched but no relationship with Christ.

 

There is no need for a woman to feel desolate or desperate that is as long as faith in grounded in something that has permanency. As long as her faith in the process is linked to the relationship guru. As long as her faith believes that every good and perfect gift comes from above and as long as her faith states unequivocally that whatever state she finds herself in she will be content because God is the author and finisher of her faith. As long as she believes the scripture that reminds us that God knows the plans that He has for her plans for her good for an expected end/a hope.

Here’s the point. Too many things have driven the thought process as what makes a woman whole. A woman who is linked to the source understands that what God has for her it’s for her. She understands that she is not the hunter but the hunted (hunted not stalked). She fully understands that she is complete in Christ!!

 

·         To get out of desolate places a woman must value herself.
·         A single woman should be celebrating her singleness not despising it. She should spend this quality time purging past relationship, getting to know herself, becoming the perfect help meet, and concerning herself with the things above what pleases God.
·         A single woman is only ready to be with a man when she is willing to remain single until a man after God’s own heart enters her world and pursues her relentlessly (once again pursues not stalks).
·         A single woman should desire the type of man God has described: a provider, spiritual head of the home, head of the home, servant ship, protector, example for their children and their community. I know this is a tall order just remember this one salient point: there aren’t a lot of men out there like this but the good news is God didn’t make you for a lot of men. He doesn’t need to make a lot just that one perfect one for you, so be discerning.
·         Stop being impatient. Wait on God’s perfect timing. It hasn’t been too long and it hasn’t been too soon, God is perfect in all His ways.
·         Walk in the truth of who you are. Affirm your existence. You must realize that when a man finds you he finds a “good thing” and obtain favor from the Lord. Ladies, hear me, “You are a good thing.” To not have you is his loss and a man who doesn’t want you is your gain. Why desire someone who doesn’t desire you?!!!

 

Being desolate is a choice. You are in the driver seat. If you want to be viewed as a strong, victorious woman who is content in her wondrous self then you and only you can walk in that truth. 

 

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5 Things That Don't Care About You - Relationships Are On The List

I say that to quickly get your attention because it’s simply time someone said it so deal with it. In the end I pray this will help each of us revisit the choices we are making and accept the fact that in so many ways we are our own worst enemy and that we are not the victim instead we’re the perpetrator. Perpetrator you ask? How in the world can I be my own perpetrator when it’s the person I returned to doing the harm?

 

A dog when it vomits returns to it and generally eats it. When you vomit up something it’s because what was ingested didn’t agree with you. Take the hint. Your body is rejecting it. Likewise do like your body, reject anything that is not good for you.  Like life, so many of us walk away from things that have meant us no good.

 

·         A relationship
·         An acquaintance
·         A friend
·         A job
·         A church

 

And the list goes on. You stick in there any area you’ve walked away from only to return to its abusive, unhealthy, unproductive, unfulfilling, dead end – going nowhere situation only to look back and even dare I say long for the very thing that brought and meant you no good. I ask the question only you can answer – what is that about? Very few animals where being pursued for the kill look back and walk with eyes wide open into the very danger zone. Animals can sense danger and they run the opposite way. Human’s, many of them, sense danger, know the devourer intimately, know his/her ways, habits, and have experienced the outcome and yet when that eventful day comes, when the predator comes a knocking, hesitantly maybe, nonetheless you open that door and you invite them in.

I stated in last week’s article that you can’t handle the truth. The truth doesn’t only come from what has been said it also comes from experience. If that relationship ended up nowhere, especially if it ended up some place far from what you wanted, expressed/communicated then why in the world would you return to something or someone who lacks the ability to be anything more than who they are, which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just an unfortunate reality. How many times do you need to be kicked in the gut, abandoned, cheated on, humiliated, lied to, and thorn away like an old filthy rag before you stop the insanity and stop returning to your own vomit?

 

There’s a saying “I can do bad all by myself.” There’s another saying directly from Angela Harris herself, “If anyone can’t accept me and treat me like the royalty I know I am, then it’s simply their loss,” adding Beyoncé's wording – “to the left, to the left, to the left,” while I go to the right – which in case you didn’t understand that means I go in the opposite direction. In the bible Abraham and Lott’s people were quarrelling and couldn’t get along. Wisdom said to Abraham you need to separate and go your separate way. Abraham followed wisdom’s advice and gave Lott the first pick as to where he wanted to go and Abraham took the opposite path.

 

One could learn from that example.

 

Angela what are you saying? I’m saying if you attend the same church with someone who has meant you no good leave the church and find your own home. I know someone is challenged with that, trust me, I challenge someone to make a better suggestion. It’s nothing but mess to stay with and where anger, bitterness and jealousy resides it will only eat at you like cancer. Use the same principles for every other situation identified.

 

Don’t get me wrong you can believe you love that person, know this, you can love someone and realize that neither of you are good for each other. The biggest problem is our definition of love, or our eschewed definition of it.  We all encounter various events and people who after further research we realize that they are Memorex and not the real thing. It imperative for sanity sake that we eradicate them from our lives that we don’t do like Lott’s wife and look back only to turn into a pillar of salt – stuck in limbo not able to move forward.

 

There are many things in our lives that we shouldn’t reflect on – that is not reflect on to return too but to ensure we never repeat the same horrible mistakes ever again. If we don’t learn from our experiences we are destined to repeat them OVER and OVER again.

 

You have been warned so I end as I began – stop returning to your own vomit!

 

The Blow Off From a Man: Are You Being Played For a Fool

Q.  I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. He has only given me his cellular number. That is the only way I can reach him. While I on the other hand have given him my cellular number, work number and home number. I have also cooked him dinner at my house. I have never been to his house. When I ask him about these things he gets real defensive. I think he’s married how should I proceed?

 

A. By slowing your pace. That’s a simple answer. I can’t say it’s a bad thing that he hasn’t given you his phone number or had you over to his house. Also it's important to remember in this day and age that many people only have cell phones and no home phone. My response is more for you to take a look at yourself. I think women need to respond in kind. If you’re given a cell number that’s all you give. We have a tendency to expose too much before it’s time. Maybe he doesn’t want you to know too much about him until he’s decided you’re someone he wants to make a lasting commitment with. Could he be married? Yeah. Just ensure that your steps in your relationship mirror his, except of course premarital sex. He has a right to remain secretive until he feels it's right.

 

It is prudent on your end to stop having men to your house and exposing everything you have until you both have exposed your true intentions. If you’re seeking a more permanent relationship then it is prudent for you to spend time with someone who is looking for the same thing. Always remember when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing. Let the man pursue and you wait to be found.



If Your Mate Is Not Responsible For Your Happiness - Who Is?

Why is it hard to end a relationship when you know it’s not making you happy but you stay because you don’t want to be single and start all over?

 

The first thing you must understand is that you do not go into a relationship in order to find happiness. Happiness should be an internal thing that you control and not someone else. You must find a central focus of happiness that is not based upon a person, a job, a child, or so on. Feelings of happiness are fleeting when based upon the life of someone else in the natural. If that is your point of reference you will spend the rest of your life searching for a mythical form of happiness.  You must find happiness with something that is lasting and cannot be taken away - something that will always remain a constant. Honestly, the only instance of such a phenomena is a connection with God. He promises a peace that the world doesn’t give to you and a peace the world can’t take away from you!  He promises that He will never leave you neither will he forsake you! His love for you is not conditional. You are told that you are the apple of His eye.

 

Like love, happiness, is a choice. Choose today what you will allow to be the focal point of your happiness and then don’t allow anyone or anything rob you of your joy. Secondly, being single is not a thing to be ashamed of or a thing to be afraid of. It is during those times of singleness that you take the time to get a right prospective on your life, a reuniting with you – the beauty of you and yes even the quirkiness of you. If you can’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone want to spend time with you? 

 

 As for being afraid of starting over – time is precious. None of us are getting any younger. None of us have years to waste. When you learn to love yourself, your company and clearly understand your value, your worth, then you will make choices that complement the greatness in you, and you will feel fulfilled within the confines of your internal assurance that when the right man meets you – boy or boy what a treat he is in for!