Conscious Choices: What's Love Got to Do With It?

In one of my article's, “What’s Love Got to Do with It …. Everything” also “How Do I Learn to Love Myself”, we explored the concept that in order to begin to love yourself you must first have a healthy definition of what love is. To begin with, individuals can only love within the realm that they have been exposed too. People have been exposed to love by watching their parents, relationships on television, and watching other couples in their surroundings. Depending on what type of emotions displayed, ideas of what love is are shaped through thinly veiled experiences and observations. Without clarity you can be destined to repeat the very same bad habits witnessed throughout your life.

Here’s a test question: If you always seem to attract the same type of unhealthy mate, what would be the reason for such consistent choices? You must first identify the common denominator – and that common denominator is “YOU”. There is something about you that sends out radar, the vibe, the scent, that says “He or she likes to be treated the way I am getting ready to treat him or her.” You’re saying now, “really?” and I respond in kind, “Really!” I am not suggesting you like it - I am suggesting you are so used to it that you see it as the normal way of life, so why demand anything different.

Hence the statement “It’s Either You or Me”. Choose you this day who you are going to protect. Self-preservation is the first order of defense. In order for you to be healthy in a relationship:

·         You must decide before you go any further, what type of mate you should  
          spend your time with.

·         You must also understand that you are a valuable, wonderful human-being
          deserving to be loved and to give love in return.

·         You must see yourself as a good catch that deserves to be protected, respected, and
          treated with dignity.

·         You must expect that your mate will do you no harm and you must understand what harm is.

Ø      Harm is hitting you

Ø      Harm is raping you

Ø      Harm is saying unkind things to you

Ø      Harm is taking you for granted

Ø      Harm is treating you like the scum under their shoe

Ø      Harm is cheating on you

Ø      Harm is abusing you physically and/or mentally

Ø      Harm is unhealthy jealously. (unhealthy jealously is when it becomes
         violent  and you feel physically threatened by that anger.)

Ø      Harm is disrespecting you in front of friends, family, or co-workers.

Ø      Harm is controlling your every move.

Ø      Harm is dictating who your friends are

Ø      Harm is limiting access to family, friends, co-workers

Ø      Harm is demanding that his or her way is the best and only way

Ø      Harm is treating you as though you are unable to make decisions for yourself.

Ø      Harm is consistently putting everything and everyone before you.

This list is not meant to be exhaustive, but meant to give you a glimpse into an arena maybe never visited before. If the harmful identifiers have been present, persistent, pervasive, and part of your everyday life, then it is time for you to take stock into your life. It is time for you to protect yourself. It is time for you to clean house.

It is time for you to choose – You or Them? I know you will make the right decision and choose yourself, your sanity, your safety, and if you have children, doing for them what others didn’t do for you – show them a better way to live and a better way to value themselves.

The Desperate Woman and How Not to Be Her

So many women find themselves in desolate places. Sometimes the places are so dark they can’t see their way out. So desolate that, unthinkable things are contemplated or take place. Things such as suicide, drugs, excessive drinking, self-hatred, self-mutilation, eating disorders, violence, incarceration, depression and other mental illnesses. The interesting thing about the reason for most of these conditions is generally tied to a man. It is a sad thing to find that so many women place their value on whether or not they have a man. So today it is my goal to help free every woman who feels a man completes her, makes her, confirms her, validates her, and justifies her existence.

Let me state up front there is nothing wrong with desiring a man in your life. Where the challenge to health comes is when you feel incomplete without one, when you feel that life only has value as long as a man is prominent in your life. In this desolate state women resort to all types of men, buying into that old adage – a piece of man is better than no man.
 

Let’s look at what women are resorting too:

·         Incarcerated men
·         Bi-sexual men
·         Married men
·         Unavailable men – (these men are not available but no married. These men usually have several women in their lives and are not willing to commit. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as the women isn’t vying for an exclusive relationship.)
·         Immature men
·         Abusive men
·         Lazy men/uncaring about providing
·         Un-churched or churched but no relationship with Christ.

 

There is no need for a woman to feel desolate or desperate that is as long as faith in grounded in something that has permanency. As long as her faith in the process is linked to the relationship guru. As long as her faith believes that every good and perfect gift comes from above and as long as her faith states unequivocally that whatever state she finds herself in she will be content because God is the author and finisher of her faith. As long as she believes the scripture that reminds us that God knows the plans that He has for her plans for her good for an expected end/a hope.

Here’s the point. Too many things have driven the thought process as what makes a woman whole. A woman who is linked to the source understands that what God has for her it’s for her. She understands that she is not the hunter but the hunted (hunted not stalked). She fully understands that she is complete in Christ!!

 

·         To get out of desolate places a woman must value herself.
·         A single woman should be celebrating her singleness not despising it. She should spend this quality time purging past relationship, getting to know herself, becoming the perfect help meet, and concerning herself with the things above what pleases God.
·         A single woman is only ready to be with a man when she is willing to remain single until a man after God’s own heart enters her world and pursues her relentlessly (once again pursues not stalks).
·         A single woman should desire the type of man God has described: a provider, spiritual head of the home, head of the home, servant ship, protector, example for their children and their community. I know this is a tall order just remember this one salient point: there aren’t a lot of men out there like this but the good news is God didn’t make you for a lot of men. He doesn’t need to make a lot just that one perfect one for you, so be discerning.
·         Stop being impatient. Wait on God’s perfect timing. It hasn’t been too long and it hasn’t been too soon, God is perfect in all His ways.
·         Walk in the truth of who you are. Affirm your existence. You must realize that when a man finds you he finds a “good thing” and obtain favor from the Lord. Ladies, hear me, “You are a good thing.” To not have you is his loss and a man who doesn’t want you is your gain. Why desire someone who doesn’t desire you?!!!

 

Being desolate is a choice. You are in the driver seat. If you want to be viewed as a strong, victorious woman who is content in her wondrous self then you and only you can walk in that truth. 

 

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The Blow Off From a Man: Are You Being Played For a Fool

Q.  I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. He has only given me his cellular number. That is the only way I can reach him. While I on the other hand have given him my cellular number, work number and home number. I have also cooked him dinner at my house. I have never been to his house. When I ask him about these things he gets real defensive. I think he’s married how should I proceed?

 

A. By slowing your pace. That’s a simple answer. I can’t say it’s a bad thing that he hasn’t given you his phone number or had you over to his house. Also it's important to remember in this day and age that many people only have cell phones and no home phone. My response is more for you to take a look at yourself. I think women need to respond in kind. If you’re given a cell number that’s all you give. We have a tendency to expose too much before it’s time. Maybe he doesn’t want you to know too much about him until he’s decided you’re someone he wants to make a lasting commitment with. Could he be married? Yeah. Just ensure that your steps in your relationship mirror his, except of course premarital sex. He has a right to remain secretive until he feels it's right.

 

It is prudent on your end to stop having men to your house and exposing everything you have until you both have exposed your true intentions. If you’re seeking a more permanent relationship then it is prudent for you to spend time with someone who is looking for the same thing. Always remember when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing. Let the man pursue and you wait to be found.