No Sex Please! Living Single, Celibate and Whole

As I spend time with many single women one of their biggest challenges is remaining celibate until their wedding day. Is it hard being celibate? For many women the answer is a resounding yes. Does God care about the struggle? Once again, a resounding yes! Are you a tramp or a male womanizer because you have sexual desires? Should you be repenting and asking God’s forgiveness? Absolutely not. Having the feelings or the desires is not sinful. Acting on it, however, is another issue.

God made us just the way we are. He knew what challenges we would face as we began to grow in sexual awareness. He was clear that sexual urges and curiosities would eventually be piqued.  Many of us have awakened that which was meant to remain dormant until our wedding night. That’s the primary reason we struggle with sexual desires. An example of awakening what shouldn’t be awoken is the picture of one who never had sugar. Babies are a prime example; if never given sugar they would never crave it. The same is true for sex, while there might be some internal feelings the magnitude of the experience would be unknown if never tasted. Because we stepped out of the ark of safety by doing what we thought was best we have unfortunately given way, some like a drug addict, to struggle of falling into a relationship that encourage you once again to step out of the ark of safety.  Some have experienced it over several long and physically satisfying years. Now we have purposed in our hearts to live our lives according to the word of God and His word is clear on this subject. Sex is only sanctioned in the marriage bed. Now what do we do with that ball of flame that rears its ugly head every now and then?

Paul gives us an excellent example of how he dealt with this very subject in 1 Corinthians 9:27. Paul tells us he buffets his body so when he has finished ministering he won’t find himself disqualified. Meaning he could spend his time teaching on this subject and yet if he doesn’t feed his mind with the word, meditating, fasting and praying, he will find that he succumbs to those same desires. Then what testimony would he really have?
In Greek history buffeting one’s body was a boxing term. They had metal spikes on their gloves and they literally beat, or buffeted the body in order to wear it down. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you should beat your body, but you must transform your mind. Romans 12:2 tells us we must be transformed by the renewing of our minds. So here it is in a nutshell. You must reprogram what you’ve been used too (which was not cool in the eyes of God) and replace those thoughts with the things of God.
I am sure you remember the old saying “garbage in, garbage out”? You must guard your mind if you want to be single, celibate and whole. You cannot watch movies with steamy sex scenes and think you will not be affected. You cannot listen to bump and grind songs and think they will not have an effect on your emotions, hormones or desires. Consider another old saying, “Don’t play with fire or you’ll get burnt.”

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Some of us allow intimacies that inflame us. We have male or female friends who we passionately kiss. Maybe they rub your leg, runs his tongue just to the curve of your breast or he has found an intimate place in your ear or around it. FIRE! And you wonder why your body is inflamed all the time. Of course you have justified these actions by saying “well we are not having sex.” You are absolutely right. But you play so close to that flame, you find yourself having to repent a few times a year, maybe even as frequently as a few times a month,  because you fell short and succumbed to the intense desire that overrode your better judgment.
Before you go down that road of trying to explain it away with “the devil made me do it”, I want to stop you in your tracks. Satan cannot make you do anything. The Bible tells us regularly that we are given over to our own desires not because of demonic forces but because we leave ourselves wide open and we do not protect ourselves so our flesh takes liberty.
Boundaries given by God are done for our good, not to try to deprive us of enjoying what He clearly meant to be an enjoyable regular encounter. He just knew that once an individual had sex outside of marriage literally the two would become one, and since their wasn’t a marriage covenant, when ended you now would find yourselves taking what is one, and attempt to return it back to two, unfortunately like anything else that has become one then torn apart bits and pieces of the one desiring to be ripped apart is irrevocably attached to the other. So each one is leaving a little bit of themselves with the other and that union continues to haunt both of them as they endeavor to develop new relationships.
So if you have already gone down the road of awakening that which shouldn’t aware here are some tips to help you remain single, celibate and whole:

Tips on a successful celibacy journey:
  • Only allow the things that edify God and strengthen you to be a part of your daily walk.
  • Cut out the jokes, the sexual innuendos and the like. Remember you are a holy temple and that temple is where the Holy Spirit, the third part of the Godhead, resides.
  • Never forget God is watching you. There is nothing you can do that God does not see or know about. He is El Roi, the God who sees.
  • Surround yourself with other individuals who strive for the same kind of victory in their lives. This will enable you to spend time with the right people. The right people are Individuals who will speak only those things that strengthen both of you.
  • Be sure the men with whom you spend time are striving for the same purity. Each of you can sign a purity pact. This will ensure that you are on one accord. This should allow you both to breathe easily. The other good thing about this signed purity pact is you have something to show either party when the line is being crossed or pressure is being placed on one or the other.
  • Don’t do anything with your male or female friends that will set your “stuff” on fire. No flirting, petting, or touching in sensuous areas.
  • Try to limit your outings to gatherings of four or more. This decreases the temptation.
  • Stay away from Luther and the like (Lord this is a tough one for me. I love me some Luther Vandross!). Their songs are love songs. Tempting songs. They will inevitably make you want more than your life offers you right now. Find ballad love songs to God.
  • Stay away from shows (television, plays, movies), novels and magazines that are in reality soft porn (you and I know it). Stay away from music videos (BET, MTV, VH-1 and the like), and radio stations that spew out sexually explicit songs.

  • Fasting may be a necessary part of this process. Jesus told His disciples you can only get rid some demons through fasting and praying.
Now some of you do not ‘feel’ these tips. You might say, “Please. You are being too dramatic. I live in this world and that’s what this world offers.” I submit to you that had you never eaten sugar, you would not have a taste for it. Just like dieting and overcoming substance abuse, you must stay away from certain things and remove them from your lifestyle choices if you want to be victorious. You have to program yourself all over again to stay away from things that have caused dependency. Craving sex all the time is a dependency you must exorcise out of your system.
Sex is not who you are it is a part of what you are able to experience as God intended when you marry. It is a precious jewel God sanctioned and holds very dear. We steal the purity of that union by getting ahead of God’s plan. By remaining celibate we show God we stand in agreement with His commandments, ordinances and statutes and our obedience demonstrates our love for Him. The reality is “True Love Waits”.  False love steals, destroys, kills and embitters.
God says you are complete in Him. You are whole, beautiful, single and a lady waiting to be found by a man after God’s own heart. Don’t cheat yourself out of the beauty of your wedding bed. Let it and you remain undefiled.


  1. Loving your body makes it more likely that you’ll be willing to try new positions, moves and techniques. You’re less likely to be inhibited by negative self-talk and more likely to delight in the endeavour itself. Better sex

  2. Testosterone is an essential hormone for both men and women, but its role is more significant in men, who have higher levels.