9 Ways to Keep "Stale" Out of Your Marriage: Get That Spark Back

As I began to answer this question, I wondered how to best approach this subject. Then God spoke to me He said, “Look, it’s quite simple. Esteem others before yourself. It is better to give than to receive,” reminding me of the definition of love. We need to understand first what true unconditional love is. Love is patient, love is kind, and it is not jealous. Love does not brag, is not arrogant, and does not act unbecoming. It does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, it does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Why are these things significant? That is a very important question. In our very nature (in our flesh) we have a tendency to think about what we want while overlooking those around us, giving no thought to what they may want. Many people, especially women, view Valentine’s Day as their day. They place the onus on their spouse to put forth the effort necessary to make this a romantic day. Of course, if the spouse gets a little something out of it, a roll in the hay, then so be it. As Christians and individuals we should always esteem others before themselves. Ladies, I would submit that your first efforts to esteem, after God of course, are towards your husband. Only you can answer this question. Do you esteem your husband? Does your husband feel like the most important person in your life, when in your presence? Do you value him? Do you remind him on a daily basis how handsome he is? How blessed you are to have him as a husband, a friend, and if children, what a great father he is? Someone right now is saying, “she must be crazy, my husband is none of those things.” That may be the case, the question goes to you - do you speak death or life into your household.

So how do you put the flame back into your marriage? Esteem your husband! Give thought to his hopes, fears and desires and feed them with love, patience, kindness and encouragement. Deal with his inner man and meet the needs he secretly craves. Remind yourself as to what attracted you to your husband before you married him. What did you do to please him that you may no longer be doing? That is where you begin to re-ignite the flame that means so much to you. We may age and our desires may temper but that does not negate our responsibility to pay close attention to our husbands and continue to look for ways to keep our marriage exciting.

Now that we have dealt with your husband’s inner heart, let’s deal with his external part, his natural animal instinct. Men have a sexual drive. To discount that would be remiss and absolutely ludicrous on our part. Sex and those things that stimulate the sexual senses are a reality in the union designed by God. If God says it’s a good thing, who are we to disagree? I will not be presumptuous to assume that all men would appreciate their wives taking a trip to Victoria’s Secret to purchase lingerie with him in mind, but I don’t think anyone would be disappointed. Believe it or not, this is one way of esteeming your husband. What turns your husband on? Make today the beginning of lighting that flame. However, don’t stop there. Continue to seek those things that please your husband every day of the year.

Besides Victoria Secret, here are some things you can do to re-ignite the flame in your marriage. Of course this list is not exhaustive. You must add to it on a regular basis always seeking your husband’s pleasure.

1. Rent a movie he enjoys and sit through it with enthusiasm.

2. Prepare his favorite meal and serve it to him in a romantic atmosphere he would appreciate.

3. Send flowers to him on his job with an extremely intimate promise of the night’s events.

4. Put a note in his brief case, lunch box, or wherever he is sure to find it letting him know how much you love him and how happy you are that he is your husband and your friend.

5. Make arrangements for your children to be someplace else. It is important for you and your husband to spend quality time away from your children. Though your children are an extension of you, they are not the replacement of your relationship as husband and wife.

6. Make reservations at a hotel. Go someplace different. Make this an adventure. Chose the hotel, send your husband an invitation to meet you there and include the hotel room key.

7. Draw him a bath (at home or at the hotel). Provide his favorite beverage and some fruit. Of course ladies scrub his back for him.

8. Give him a long, lengthy sensuous massage. Get some wonderful smelling oils.

9. Get your hair, nails and feet done. Look absolutely beautiful for him. Get that makeover you have been threatening to get. Surprise him.

Ladies you must trust the process. If you esteem your husband, your husband will esteem you. Don’t get impatient, don’t keep count of what you do for him, simply allow the love you have for your husband to be the reason. Don’t look for him to do the same for you in the same manner; allow your husband to find his way to you. Remember love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek its own, and love does not keep count of anything. Love hopes, believes and endures all things.

Five Character Traits to Look for When You Are Ready to Start Back Dating

This really isn’t a question asked by many, but it is definitely a question that should be asked, meditated on, and intently explored. I am going to start with the most appropriate  response, you are ready to date when you are not willing to settle for less than the best God has for you. For some this may seem a very broad answer and yet it’s actually a very narrow answer. The question is do we know what the best is that God has for us? Before we journey down what the best is let’s first make it plain up front the worst time to consider dating:

You should never consider dating when you’re on a rebound. The person who gets dumped is usually the one who has the most difficult time dealing with the break up. A focus takes place where the one left behind begins wondering what they did that made the other person leave them. They start wondering whether or not they’re attractive enough, loveable enough, intelligent enough, passionate enough, pliable, the list can go on, bottom line you are trying to figure out how to make yourself more desirable for the next person. Your confidence is low and you need a self-esteem boost, you need a quick pick me up, no pun intended, so you’re apt to be less selective. This is the absolute worst thing you can do. It’s enough you’re already dealing with the loss of one relationship only to find yourself jumping out of the frying pan then subsequently landing into the proverbial skillet, no better off than before, sometimes worse off than before. Let me say ensure that you are healed from the last encounter and completely come to grips with the valuable person you are!!

Let’s explore the principles of dating. Dating is generally the observation stage. It is a time to observe the individuals you are spending time with. You are observing how they treat you, their friends, their children, if applicable, their co-workers, their family, and their finances. You’re having conversations about things important to you and gleaning information about things important to them. You are observing their lifestyle; if they say they’re Christian their life should reflect it by action and not simply by word. This is not, I repeat not the exclusive relationship, this is simply what I said, the observation stage. I know it can seem controversial by stating not exclusive, too many times as women we latch on to one man, go exclusive, getting to know him and before we know it we’ve seen months, even years of our lives wasted on a relationship that had no teeth from the beginning. This does not mean that you have a slew of men or women in your life you simple don’t count out any potentially suitable mate during the observation, dating period. Sex does not enter the equation!! Let me digress: When sex enters the equation that rational part of brain that was able to see clearly and make sound judgments goes right out the door. We have a tendency to become death, dumb, and blind. We have a tendency to refuse to accept the flaws staring right in front of us. We become the fix it queen or king. Surely we can mold what’s lacking. We can dress him or her, clean them up, teach them how to walk, talk, eat, the list goes on. Sex is the great destroyer to sound thinking. Let me also say this, are you listening? Good because this is a very crucial and important point – God is not trying to stop you from having great sex. He knows we are sexual and relational beings. He has set boundaries to protect us. God knows that once sex has been introduced into a relationship all hell breaks loose in the atmosphere and in the rational mind of primarily the female. He understands its dangers and the destruction sex brings into the lives of all parties, that is, sex, outside of marriage. If you are not willing to make the ultimate commitment, marriage, how dare we play at marriage, wanting all that comes with the marriage covenant; sex, money, children, a future. The old adage why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, is still alive and well.

Back on point once you’ve observed you and your potential future mate will collectively agree that you want to be exclusive. Once that commitment is made you will have entered into the courting stage. Here you get the opportunity to probe deeper into what you learned during the observation/dating stage. You truly should get the opportunity to ensure that you both are evenly yoked. Evenly yoked is not limited to your faith. You should be as evenly yoked in all important areas such as finance, child rearing, health, family, friendships, careers, short and long term goals. So many times we get involved with someone and generally it’s all about the external persona of a person and we fail to dig through the layers of the people we think we want to get involved with. You want to see how this person handles anger, disappointments, and difficulties. This is important because if he or she is a hot head you know you’re travelling down a slippery slope of potential violence and unhealthy reactions that can not only harm you but also your children if not now in the future. Is their behavior healthy or unhealthy? Jealousy, controlling, irrational, manipulative, domineering?

So now we’ve identified the dating and the courting stages let’s take a magnifying glass and probe deeper into the character. If it is true that we are only ready to date when we’re not willing to accept anything less than the best that God has, then what exactly is the best?

Five Character traits to look for:

1. Must have a demonstrated, active relationship with Christ.

2. Must have a servant’s heart. Here you will see if the individual will lay down their rights and consider your wants and desires some of the time. (Can’t be greedy and want someone who will lay down their rights all the time, that’s effectively a doormat.)

3. Knows the word of God, if a man, can he lead you and the family in devotion, and provide spiritual leadership in your relationship. If a woman does she know the word and understand how to be that example to your children, if applicable, and possess an inner spirit that is absolutely irresistible.

4. Must be a provider, if a male. He is committed to by whatever means necessary (legally) to ensure that his family has adequate provisions? Now don’t get this wrong I am not insinuating that he should be paying your way while courting, you want to observe how he pays his bills, handles his finances, accepts the responsibilities of meeting all his household needs. If he has children from previous relationships does he provide for the children financially and emotionally? If a woman she must possess traits of restraint where finances are concerned. She should be equipped and prepared to ensure that the money that enters the home is spread around to pay all bills. She should be frugal steadily looking for ways to cut back and save for rainy days.  How does she ensure that she meets her finances adequately?

5. Must accept and love you for who you are; no changes. This is not to say that there isn’t room for growth, it just shouldn’t be the condition for a future together. Neither should be trying to change, redefine, mold, or reprogram another to create the other into what you believe the ideal mate is. You must be prepared to stay the course, meaning if marriage comes about, then you marry this person with the realization that nothing may change and the question must be asked can you honestly live with this person just the way they are for the rest of your natural life, because that’s what marriage is until death do you part!

Now clearly you may have some things you want to add to your list sense of humor, athletic, etc. Just ensure that the basics are in place, the five above. The five will last you through your natural life the other traits added may subside with age.

So once again when are you ready to date? You got it—when you are not willing to settle for less than the very best that God has for you!!

Salty Equals Substance: Have You Lost Your Flavor?

This is a very important question for Christians as well as non- Christians. The salty conversation for non-Christians is what influence are you having within your immediate environment to the good? Are your conduct, your example, and your results that which enriches your immediate sphere of influence? Many times we equate the question of making a positive impact to at times being set aside for Christians only. Well I am here today to set the record straight, whether Christian or not you have the ability to bring about positive change within your immediate area of influence this means your home, your work place, and your community. Having said that I believe there is one important part of the equation if not a Christian that tends to prevent the absolute positive change that can only come about by and through the Spirit of the living God. Some just said “I lost you” but hold on, I believe it will become crystal clear where this is going – to the positive. Here we go. There is something to be said about an infectious movement that just takes everyone by storm. We have clear enough evidence that being “good” cannot be legislated. Just as we have clear evidence that being a moral person cannot be mandated, enforced, or adjudicated. There is the ability to do good things. There is also the ability to do and act morally on occasion. But the real test on being salty in a way that shakes a world is to create a ripple that changes the current atmosphere consistently and lastingly. Let’s prove my point, the offense of murder is legislated and judicially enforced, yet the people still kill, as a matter a fact they kill in large numbers. You could go through the list of things decreed unacceptable and then take a look around and see the people who simply ignore the rules.  So if it was simple enough to put into law codes of conduct and that’s all it took our world would be a much different place.

Let’s take a look at the truly converted individual who has truly had an encounter with God.

•This person is extremely salty.

•This person doesn’t have to be told to do good or be good, or to live morally. This person desires to accomplish these very things because they have a desire to live righteous before a righteous God. The God they serve has deposited His spirit within that assist in governing, and equipping that person to no longer be a slave to that which is unacceptable and drives them to become a slave to that which is acceptable.

•This person has a heart for people, this person has compassion for people, this person values the life of human beings, this person endeavors to be a light in a dying world and this person ensures that their behavior is replicated not by force, not by coercion, not by intimidation, but literally by the life they live.

People are not drawn to this salty person because they carry a bible or wear a cross or say the typical “I’m blessed and highly favored”. People are not drawn to this person because every time the church doors are open you know they can be found in the church, but they are drawn to this person because they genuinely live a life before them that is laced with the fruit of the spirit: patience, kindness, love, compassion and self-control.

Here are some other glimpses into the life of a salty Christian:

•When they see an injustice they speak out on it, not in a mean-spirited way but in a manner that is strong and considerate.

•When they encounter someone going through they ensure their advice is laced with the word of God to ensure success.

•When someone is negative they have something positive to interject.

• When someone is sad they bring a word to up lift them.

•When someone is angry they encourage them with confidence to not let their anger go unchecked.

•When someone is grieving they grieve with them while all the while instilling hope.

•A salty person led by the Spirit knows when to open their mouth and when to just be quiet, letting the person in need know they are there if they need them.

•A salty Christian doesn’t act like they know it all, have all the answers, or have mastered a walk that is totally sinless.  A salty Christian is transparent and let’s all know that God is not looking for perfection or expecting perfection, simply faith, obedience and a heart willing to learn, be molded, and will extend the very same  grace they’ve received to others.

So once again we end as we began are you salty or are you lost your flavor? One of my favorite songs sung by Brent Jones and the TP (Total Praise) Mob is “Heaven in the room”. The radiant focus of the song is the fact that God has given us the power to change the atmosphere. It’s long overdue – stand up and be counted. God is seeking salty Christian’s who will change their atmosphere within their sphere of influence and leave the rest up to God!

Things Must Change: 7 Examples of Obstacles and Things That Hinder Us

 It is easy to look around and make the statement “things must change.”  How easy it is to look at others around us and to look at situations around and immediately make that declaration, and yet when it comes to being honest with ourselves it’s not as easy. I am reminded of the song by Michael Jackson entitled the “Man in the Mirror”.  In that song he states very eloquently, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I am asking him to change his ways. No message could be any clearer if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change.” If change begins with me the first thing I have to do is be honest with myself. I wrote an article entitled, “misplaced anger” in the article I challenged our mental state by looking at a situation that affects us and being painfully honest as to who is the primary culprit for our current situation. Life is full of introspection. If I truly want to live a full life I must dissect what are the obstacles that hinder me from being the best I can be. Here are some examples.

•My finances are meager – are they meager because of how you spend your resources? Are they meager because you do nothing to improve your skills so that you can make more money? If you are not being a good steward of the resources God has given you why in the world would God increase your resources? Check your spending habits.

•My life sucks – does it suck because you are the type of person who can never seem the positive side of life? Do you fail to appreciate your health, the very air that you breathe? Do you view a cup filled half way to be half empty or half full? Check your views on life and discover if you speak life into your situation or death. If you can’t see the beauty in the little things that God has placed in your view; the ocean, the sky, the green grass, the cool of the wind, the warmth of the sun, the light and majesty of the moon, then it’s hard to see how you will ever come out of this mental state of life sucking.

•My marriage is dead – is it dead or are you dead? What are you doing to breathe life back into it? The bible says that marriage is honorable. It states that the marriage bed is undefiled and more importantly we are reminded that it’s a good thing, God created it. Marriage is perfect it’s the imperfect people who come together and mess it up. See marriage through the eyes of God and seek His assistance at restoring the union.

•My children are out of control – Are they out of control because you failed to parent? Were you more focused on your own goals and dreams than your children? Where you too busy trying to be their friend than being their parent? If you can’t embrace your children as true gifts from God and endeavor to parent according to the scriptures you will find yourself distraught about your children all the time.

•I am not a happy person – Why? You must search yourself and find out where the unhappiness stems from. It’s not up to other people to make you happy, happiness comes from within. If you can’t look at your life and find the good that God has given you, how can you ever find true happiness?

•I hate my job – Are you thankful first and foremost that you have a job? If you hate your job what are you doing to make a career move? You have to position yourself for greater opportunity. Let’s face it if you can’t praise God for what’s been provided at this juncture in your life why in the world would He promote you? Trust me if you don't change your view on your employment situation you will continue the pattern of disappointments.

•I hate my body – You can control many aspects of this. How do you honor your body? What disciplines have you put into place? No matter what your current situation you must see yourself as being fearfully and wonderfully made. Embrace every aspect of your physique realizing that God made you unique.

The list can go on and I’m sure you can add some of your own ails to this list. While it’s important to list ails you must also be willing to identify the cure. The cure comes from your outlook on life. You must change how you view your current situation and learn to embrace the journey God has chosen to take you through. You must trust God every step of the way always remembering the good work that He has begun in you He is faithful to see you through.

Life is a set of ups and downs, a set of challenges, a set of victories, a set of failures, and a compilation of highs and lows and yet through it all we are reminded that all things work together for the good for those who LOVE the Lord (look up what it truly means to love the Lord) and are called according to His purpose. Paul reminds us, a principle we must embrace in order to find inner peace, “whatever state God sees fit to place me in I am content.” This means whatever job you have right now you will thank God daily for the provisions. This means your marriage you will thank God for the journey, the discovery, and restoration of it. You will look at everything that you find no joy in and fight to be transformed by the renewing your mind and begin to live your life through the lens of the Creator.