To Submit or Not To Submit?

To submit or not to submit that is the question. Many women when they hear this word “submit” absolutely lose it. They feel the word submit is a dirty word, feeling that it was the male gender who made the word up to their benefit. I submit, no pun intended, that the reason the word is rejected by so many women is because they don’t truly understand the biblical reference. For some women, men have used this word to hold women down and to treat them like second class citizens. Well ladies I am here to set the record straight.
The word submission means to willingly come under. Willingly.  So here is the first hint, if you haven’t already taken the plunge into this thing called marriage, make sure you marry someone who you are willing to willingly come under. This means, before jumping the broom, ensure you really understand who you are marrying. I always suggest to pastors that as soon as a couple announces their engagement that marriage counseling should begin. Too many times we wait until six weeks before the wedding to have one of the most provoking, life changing, deeply probing dialogues necessary to ensure that this marriage is not being entered into lightly. This conversation should take place before the date is set or before one dime is spent, except for the right of course. It must take place while there is still time to bail out gracefully for both parties, because they clearly understand this has not been thoroughly thought through.
So what is the woman submitting to? She is submitting to her husband’s ultimate decisions made on behalf of the entire family. This means that while your opinions and concerns are given on any given issue, she is willing at the end of the day to submit to his final decision. I know right here, the back of your hairs have lifted, and you think I have lost my mind. But hold your horses, I haven’t lost my mind, you simply need to remember my earlier statement - make sure you are marrying someone who respects you, your thoughts, views, and concerns, someone who takes all those things into consideration while making the final decision. This is no ways suggests that your wishes for outcomes will be any different from your husbands. It simply means, even if they are, you trust him enough to make decisions that are in the best interest of your family. Even if you and he are on the same page, you should be praying that God is the central focus of your decisions and the author of your outcomes. Then you are trusting, both God and your husband to shield the family from any harm. There is also spiritual submission. Here the woman is trusting in her husband ability to lead the family in bible study, prayer, and worship. So once again you need to make sure your husband has those quality traits and abilities.  I am sure you can see why it important to make sure you are marrying a man after God’s own heart and that he truly possesses the necessary qualities that will place a spirit in you that desires to submit, and ultimately willingly submits. Active submission also means you both ensure that you are evenly yoked. Evenly yoked is not only mean to be in the area of spirituality. And speaking of that, if you marry someone of different faith and beliefs from yours, how in the world can you submit to your husband’s spiritual leadership. Bottom line if you can’t submit in one area you will not submit in other areas. So as I digressed I return to your need to be, to discover your true compatibility. During your courting process you should be sure you are both on the same page where finances are concerned, child rearing, and roles in the household. You should both respect and understand the goals and objectives each has and ensure that harmony can co-exist within those goals and objectives. If you are not evenly yoked it will be almost impossible to submit, because you begin at a place of disagreement already. Marriage is much more than sex and companionship. It is meant to be the one and only until death do you part union of your life outside of your union with Christ. While sex plays an important role, if it is the only place you have compatibility in the marriage, the marriage will not last and the eroticism you feel, because don’t get it twisted that exactly what it is, an erotic experience, will wane after a while and there will be nothing left to keep you together.
So now what do you do if you are already married and you didn’t follow the above instructions? Do you still have to submit? Ready? Yes. Okay I get you have probably just cursed and have no desire to move on. But please don’t give up on me now. So many times in our lives we get ahead of God in many ways. We want to do things in our own time lines and of course we always think God needs our help. Then after we don’t wait on God, we ask God to bless our mess. That’s what took place on your wedding day, you asked God to bless your mess. God took you at your word, and blessed your mess. Now you are ready to bail. This was not what you bought in for. Yeah, it really is. You bought into the uncertainty because of your impatience. The good news is you still serve a God who wants you to be happy within your marriage.
Here are some steps to assist you in lining up with God’s expectations of you in your marriage:

·         You need to first ask God’s forgiveness for getting ahead of Him. Then you need to forgive yourself for not waiting on God.
·         You need to begin an earnest prayer vigil of praying for your husband. Pray that God will first save Him spiritually, if he is not already saved. Then you pray that God will give Him wisdom. You pray that he will yield to God’s prompting.
·         If you have acted unseemingly to your husband, apologize to him and let him know you are committed to him and his leadership.
·         Insert suggestions with love and a tempered voice. I must say it, don’t nag, brown beat, stomp, curse, or embarrass in front of your children, your family, or his friends. Don’t embarrass him in front of anyone.
·         Focus your energies on allowing God to heal your heart, assuage your fears, and fix any area that needs fixing in order to bring about harmony in your home.
·         Finally trust the process, trust God.

So see submitting isn’t a bad word. It supports the statement made on the wedding day, simply, do not enter into a marriage lightly, understand the requirements and don’t make a move until both of you not only say you’re in agreement but that you also have also witnessed these principles in action in your spouses to be.


  1. The one thing that I have learned that I still struggle with, but yet it is so prevalent to salvation, and your relationship with your man. Is that when your husband isn’t performing his "half of the deal" which is to be a provider, protector, and leader, that, that doesn’t change my responsibility which is to submit and to take care of the home, no matter how HOT I am with my husband, the rudiments that God has set before me DOES NOT CHANGE. I mean if we really sit down and look at our actions I could imagine God saying why didn’t you submit, and you turn and point the finger and say well he didn’t show due benevolence. Yeah I can definitely see that going over really well with God. I say all that to say, if we maintain first our relationship with God everything else will fall in line with your husband.

  2. Just a consideration. There is no such thing as half its whole in each role shared. Meaning this, if you draw the line at half then when reached there is tendency to stop and wait for the other to catch up. Sometimes is calls for you to do 90% and vice versa. So don't consider marriage as one that tracks what the other is doing, but take marriage as a union that keeps no count.